Help, I am rasing teenagers....

Photo Credit - Vanity Fair (Peggy Sirota)

“I think being a teenager is such a compelling time period in your life--it gives you some of your worst scars and some of your most exhilarating moments. It's a fascinating place; old enough to feel truly adult, old enough to make decisions that affect the rest of your life, old enough to fall in love, yet, at the same time too young (in most cases) to be free to make a lot of those decisions without someone else's approval.”   

 ― Stephenie Meyer, The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide

I love what Stephanie Meyer says in today's quote.  Clearly her understanding of teenagers is why her Twilight books/movies have been so successful.  She respects the fact that teenagers CAN make adult decisions that impact the rest of their lives and yet she expresses sympathy knowing that the teens often find themselves in over their heads.  The sad apart is regarding the fact that the approval of an adult is sometimes AFTER the fact of when the decision has been made. 

In the movies however, the teens can always count on love. LOVE becomes a currency of sorts in these movies to get them through whatever.  While I agree love is powerful - it is only as an adult that I learned that love is what makes getting through worth it....love alone will not always resolve it.

Life is hard.   Life is also wonderful.  My kids are now at the age where they are learning the balance between the two.

I am scared to death of these years.

These are the years where my kids will begin to take the steps to secure their future.  These are the years where all the things that seem so important to them right now will be unveiled to them to be trivial in years to come. 

Is it the same for me?  Is my parenting in the same cycle?   Aren't I taking steps to secure my future relationships with kids now?  Will I look back and have things I thought to be so important as trivial in years to come?

What is the best advice you have for raising teenagers?   What is it you wish someone would have told you was trivial? I want to know!!!!

3 Rules To The Olympics of Parenting

In the Sydney Olympics there was a man named Eric Moussambani who was from a small and very poor country who entered into the 100m freestyle race with literally all odds against him.   The only objective for himself was to make it to the  Olympics since he did not even qualify but was granted entry due a wild card draw of the Olympic for third world countries.

He had no training or anywhere near the physical ability of a Michael Phelps or Ryan Lochte.  He was just doing the best he could.   During his one swim, the heat to advance, he was up against two other competitors.   The gun never shot and the other two swimmers dove into the pool causing a false start leaving Eric the chance to swim the heat on his own.    HE WON!   Not because he was the best or the most trained but because he showed up and completed the task given to him.

This story reminds me of today's quote:  “Looking after a very sick child is (was) the Olympics of parenting.” - Chris Cleave

When Kaleb and I were faced with caring for Kagan and the shocking announcement that he had cancer we were just like Eric Moussambani.   We merely had no choice but to jump in the pool and swim.  Cancer had a false start and we were forced into the Olympics of parenting of quickly learning all that we could to help our son.  

The three things that we did that really made a difference was:

1.  PRAYER!  I don't say this lightly but there really is something like that moment when you drop to your knees and just surrender the outcome to God.  It is surreal and a feeling that I doubt that I will ever have a again the same way.  It was the first time in my life that really there was no other possible solution but to pray to God that I could accept whatever he brought our way.

2.  STUDY!  There is such a wealth of information out in the world to learn about anything.  If your child is sick begin to study like you did for finals. (I was always a last minute cram studier so this worked well in this case.)   Read books, read pamphlets or whatever you can get your hands on.   Don't be discouraged by any negative but consider it the "what not to do" section. 

3.  FAMILY!  Don't let your entire family life change completely.   I think the best decision we made was to keep life as normal as possible for everyone in our family as we could.  Kaleb worked, Kade and Kenadee did school and sports and Kagan managed as much of a normalcy as possible.  Sure he sometimes had to give up things but we kept it as normal as we could.   We also kept our family bound with the same rules, morals and values that we always had and did not let cancer rob our family of what worked.

It is that simple.  After these things all the incredibly difficult things started to fall in place.    I am not saying those things were simple but the platform for getting through it was.

We still have a long journey ahead of us to get to remission and to STAY in remission.  It is going to be months before we can hear those words but we are headed there and that counts.  Just like Eric, we may never be in another Olympic life situation as parents but for now we have completed our trial of at least getting in the water at the right time. 

7 Things The IRS Taught Me

For years I worked in a law office where our primary focus was fighting for the rights of clients against the IRS.  I formed long lasting relationships and during those years I learned many things about the IRS (and a lot about different types of people) that most people will never know. 

Obviously, I learned a lot about taxes.  I am probably one of the only people in the world who actually use to read the tax codes as enjoyment.  (I know what you are going to say - that's boring but I found it like a treasure hunt to read words that cost so much for the government to publish that so few people would ever read!)

• Never (and I mean NEVER) put yourself in a position where you are responsible for a companies payroll tax liability UNLESS you are willing to be responsible if they are not paid. Most people who work as a secretary or in payroll for companies trust that they are there to deal with the administrative part of the job and never fathom that they could be held responsible for the taxes if their bosses don't pay.                                                                                         
• Peoples lives change drastically based upon a wide varied of circumstances.  I saw people who were once owners of large successful companies fall victim to an illness and loose everything they have within a few years.   As I scoured through their financial information I was always amazed how one could go from living a life of complete financial independence to having food stamps and welfare to support them.
• Logic is NEVER the determining factor of how the IRS works with someone.  Make a paper trail because basically the black and white proof is the only thing that will reason with a computer program.
• The IRS has recruited me for jobs in the past and after seeing the misery of most of the agents I know that this is a career path that I will never pursue.
• Most people should be very afraid to do their own taxes and it is almost ridiculous to think of representing yourself in an audit.  It is not that the you can't - it is just that the emotion involved is not worth it even if you win.
• Most people who run businesses have no idea what they are doing.  If the government wants to invest in America they should require all small business owners who receive tax breaks training to learn how to meet the demands of the requirements of them as an owner.
• When the IRS gets involved adversely with someone a divorce is likely not far behind. 

The IRS is just a failed government entity.  The failure is based upon believing that Americans can bail out companies with their tax money,  forgive the leaders for borrowing money America doesn't have and then never receive the same courtesies from the powers that be when hard times hit them.

Keeping a Positive Attitude

Do you remember the Pattie Labelle song --  " New Attitude" (I remembered it from Miss Congeniality).  As I start this post the lyrics are running in my head and I can't help but laugh at why this song has popped in my head.  In case you don't remember it, let me give you a few of the lyrics:

I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes
Know where I'm goin' and I know what to do
I tidied up my point of view
I got a new attitude
I'm in control, my worries are few
'Cause I've got love like I never knew
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
I got a new attitude

We all deal with people on a daily basis that just have a BAD attitude.   I mean they are the constant Debbie Downers and nothing ever seems to cheer them up.   Their face needs botox just to get the permanent frown turned upside down!

A few years ago I was stressed out over just the daily depressive state of those around me.   My co-workers were in stages of divorces, my boss was embarking on a stressful new venture,  my own husband was overworked  and every client that came to the law firm I worked at owed the IRS a lot of money.  Needless to say, I was surrounded by NEGATIVITY all the time.

One morning on my way to work I just decided that I was NOT going to be that way --- Nor were my kids!   They were in the 2nd, 4th and 5th grade at the time and just starting the "whining" about how life was not fair with homework, chores and etc.   We established a new rule that day that got us out of elementary school into the high school years.

If you have something negative to say about your day you must be ready to tell me 5 positive things FIRST.   If not, I don't want to hear it.

This turned our daily car rides and life to be much more of an enjoyable experience.  Most the time by the time the kids finished their 5 positive things they had forgotten their negative thing they wanted to tell me.  It was a refocus for them (and me) to spend more time concentrating on that which is good in life rather than bad.   Luckily, this attitude adjustment has served us well.   

Sure, we still forget and have to remind ourselves to focus on the positives first.  It is almost natural that when life gets hectic, out of control or not in sync with one another that you get away from the basic concept but it does always find a way of sinking back in.

Have you ever tried something similar to keep your life focused on the positives?   If so, isn't it funny just how many sour-pusses you get to smile?     

I hope the next time you are confronted with an angry person you just adorn a great big smile on your face and become extra peppy!  Even if they don't feel better, you will!

Seeking Advice

I love when my kids were younger and they would ask me advice on how to "fix something" or "do something".  This type of curiosity is why I spent years captive to outlet plug protectors, cabinet child proof locks and even at one time a bike lock on the fridge!   (Don't judge if you have not waken up to your kids finger painting with eggs on the floor of your kitchen!!!!)

What I love about their request is that really they have no intention of listening to you most of the time.   What they want is to get your attention so that they can show you how they are going to do it.

Questions like:

"Mommy when I climb on top of this bunk bed and jump off onto the bean bag should I wear my batman cape or my superman cape?"   ....The question is can I do this but they disguise it with an option of which super hero can make this leap safely.  (and yes, this almost happened in our house - thanks to Kagan!)

" Mommy which do you think would be better if I use this paint to color my bedroom walls or would you like me to paint yours and Daddy's room with it?"  Hopefully you were paying close attention and realized they said WALLS and did not mistake this for a just a picture to hang on the wall.

Yet we often soliciate this same kind of advice from our friends too, don't we?   We just throw out a scenario to see if someone will validate what we have already made our mind up to do.   Many times though we are just praying that someone will give us hope to defy what we know is actually possible.

Questions like:
  
"My boyfriend cheated on me a few times but I think that he is really going to change.  What do you think I can do to make sure he does not cheat on me again."  Seriously, you know to get out while you can but hoping someone will give you an answer that you don't already know.

"My husband has been in a coma for two years now and the doctors say he will never recover to the man he was so should pull his life support?  Do you think someone can make a full recovery after that long on life support?"  Your heart breaks to know that the answer of the fact that a miracle is the only possibility for a situation like this but you just can't let go.

"I feel a lump in my breast.  I wonder if it could just a fluke?  Do you think I should just wait and see what it does in a few months before I go the doctor?"  You surely don't want to face the outcome of what it could be so if no one confirms it then it does not exist.

I don't always want to the answers that life gives.  Yet, there are so many times that even when I know the answer in my gut I just want to force someone else to say it aloud.   Sometimes you just need advice from others to help you accept what you already know and that is okay.  At least you get someone to share with and confide in so that you can decide how to proceed.

5 Things I Learned About Change

The word CHANGE is a 6 letter word that many people find almost as offensive as any 4 letter word that your mom would have washed your mouth out with soap for saying.  Just ask an 80 year old back pew Baptist if they want change and you can assure yourself of a nasty scolding!

John Campbell said that “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”  Wow, that is a novel idea to consider that we are not giving up something with change but rather opening ourselves up for a better something along the way.

We all experience change in our lives.  Change of getting older, change in jobs, change in relationships, change in location and more importantly change in ourselves.  It is simply a fact of life that change will come but the reality of how we deal with change is something not as concrete.


Most recently our lives were changed with the diagnosis of our then 15 year old having cancer.  Before this our lives changed when we adjusted from me being a stay-at-home mom to working mom.   Years before this we picked up our family and moved from all our family in Texas to Florida.    We changed the size of family from two to three to four to five.... Just a select few changes that have shaped me from who I was starting out in life to who I am today.

Change does not have to be a nasty word it can just be a new normal.

1.  Location, Location, Location....

Anyone in business will tell you that the success of a business can be merely the placement of where you are.    This is true in any one's life.  If you are physically in a spot where you are not thriving then a simple change of your location can improve the outcome of your circumstances.  At times this might require a change of neighborhoods, a change of jobs or even as simple as a change of which side of the argument you stand on if you find that you are wrong.

2.  It is okay to attempt change more than once.....

If you are like me change can sometimes take practice.   You might make two steps forward and one step back but at least you are moving in a direction closer to where you want to be.   For me this is like my weight.... I drop pounds to find them again along with some of their friends who decide to come along for the journey.    However, I am thankful for the hundreds of pounds shed over the years so that I don't weigh as much as an elephant.   Each little pound lost, even gained back, was something I am not carrying today.

3.  Unexpected change can be the most life changing....

When we have not planned changed but it comes upon us a like a tsunami hitting a third world country we are forced to find out what we are really made of.  We learn what we can handle and what we can't.   In the midst of the waves crashing and drowning us is when learn how to come up for the air that will sustain us.


4.  Have an anchor for change....

For me, my family is my anchor.

Sometimes when change starts rolling it is hard not to get caught up in and lose sight of what is really needing to be changed.  For example, you can decide to change your look with a new haircut and before you know it you are so obsessed with change that you become like Michael Jackson and almost unrecognizable to even those who love you most.

It is okay if you are changing and someone you trust pulls you back a little.  It might be that you still proceed but with a little more caution and hopefully a clearer vision of what you want.

 5.  Don't forget the caterpillar....

 Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over he became a butterfly - unknown

When change comes by planning or by surprise don't treat it as life is over or that nothing more will come.  The whole purpose of life is the journey that you go through in each stage in life.   It can be hard, it can be painful and it can also be tons of fun.