Mercy - Wonderful To Receive BUT Hard To Give

“I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.”

― Abraham Lincoln

My morning did not start off quite the way that I had planned. 

As soon as I pulled into the driveway, I got a call from one of Kenadee's friends asking to please bring her a red shirt because it was Red Week at school and Kenadee had forgotten to take the shirt to school that she was going to borrow.  I said okay and went up to Kenadee's room and found the shirt and a BIG MESS in the kid's rooms and bathroom.  

I went back to the school, wearing no makeup and my "house cleaning" clothes and ran the shirt into the school as quickly as possible avoiding ALL eye contact with anyone.

A few minutes later, when I was almost back home, I got another call from Kenadee saying that she had left her pencil box and science book in my car and asked me to bring it back to her at school again.   Are you kidding me?

Well, I did go back  and bring them to her but during that call I scolded her for her room that I had just recently seen when I went to get the shirt.  (Still in my no makeup and housecleaning clothes I might add.)

So when I got home to clean the house I went upstairs to the third story where their rooms are.   At first, my plan was to just leave their mess and make them clean it up when they got home.  Then something hit me.....maybe they deserve a little mercy.

I was hit like a ton of bricks with a feeling of guilt.  I so often have been granted mercy by God and it is not always so easy to give back to others.  I receive mercy from others but those who hurt me or offend me I tend to just write them off - forever without mercy. (Yes, I know it is a bad trait and something I am working on.)

What a blessing mercy is!   

mer·cy

n. pl. mer·cies

1. Compassionate treatment, especially of those under one's power; clemency.

2. A disposition to be kind and forgiving: a heart full of mercy.

3. Something for which to be thankful; a blessing: It was a mercy that no one was hurt.

4. Alleviation of distress; relief: Taking in the refugees was an act of mercy.

 I want my kids to know this kind of compassionate treatment in their lives.  I also want them to learn to give it back to others.   I especially, more than anything, want them to recognize when God grants them mercy so that they know what the feeling of being fully forgiven so that they have a chance to do great things - rather small or big!

So, today I took action to show them some mercy about not cleaning their rooms.  I cleaned them.   There will be no punishment or no more words said about today's rooms except this note left in their bathroom.   

What are some examples of how you share mercy?  I would love to know to learn from you!

Backfired Plan

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.
- Ron Taffel

I am not a cool mom.

Nope, not even close!

As my kids grow up in their teens years I know that they love me. I also know that they like to spend time together sometimes. However,  I am not their favored chaperon pick or homeroom mom anymore like I use to be.  They have spread their wings and like to fly solo!

Luckily, they still come home for FOOD and MONEY!   If someone else starts feeding and supporting them I might be out of luck.

So yesterday, Kaleb and I were out with the boys.   During one part of the day, the boys decided to "ditch us" and go the other side of the establishment.  In a quick moment, Kaleb and I agreed to just leave them there.  We quickly escorted ourselves to the door and made our way to the car.  We then proceeded to move our car to the other side of the building so that the boys could not see us when they came out.

Within just a few short minutes, we saw the boys exit the building and go walking towards the car.  To their surprise, we were not there.

So, off they went to walking across the parking lot and down the sidewalk looking for us.  At one point, I see Kagan look back and see Kaleb and I laughing at them.   He tugged on Kade's shirt and started to walk back towards us.   Immediately, I saw Kade grab Kagan and point onward away from us.  He knew we had got him; but he was not ready to retreat back to the car.

Now notice that my sweet boy Kagan was going to admit defeat and be a good son and come back to the car; but that other child of mine....well, he was not about to admit defeat. Don't know where on earth he got that trait from?

A few steps onto their heroic voyage of independence, I get this video -

 

I guess that whole joke backfired on us.  

They did walk a few blocks but we were there to pick them up when they got there.  

The boys did not learn the soft humored lesson of not ditching us; but hopefully they learned that when they do, we will always be there to pick them up.  

 I suppose I kinda like them two boys of mine and I will keep them as long as they will let me, even the funny one.

I love tears...

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”
- Charles Dickens

 

 

One day last week, a friend of mine gave me a link to a song that she wanted me to watch.  She said that I would love it.   I did, but I cried for hours during the day as I watched it over and over.

Later that day, Kaleb called to see how my day was going in the late afternoon.  I was nasally and stuffed up sounding and so he knew that I had been crying.  I explained what I had been doing and then I told him to go watch the video of the song.

About 5 minutes  later I got a text message from him that said "That's sweet but WHY do you that to yourself?"

This was a topic that lingered into the evening hours at our house.  He was confused as to why women (well me but he assumed all women) would watch sad, weepy and tearful things knowing that they are going to cry.  It was a mystery to him.

I on the other hand was defending my need to feel these things.  It is not sad, it is just tears about sad things.  Does that make sense to anyone else?

We have shed quite a few tears over the last few months.  Yet still, I will take a good cry any day over a bottled up and emotionless existence.  I am not saying that I am right, but merely for me if I could not shed tears over an old movie, a sweet passage in a book or moving video then I would likely explode into a manic rage.

A few of the things that I subject myself to quite frequently when I need a good cry are:

• The movie UP.  
• The movie The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
• The movie I am Sam
• The movie My Sister's Keeper  ( I don't watch as much any more.)
• Reading the book - Lovely Bones
• Reading the book - The Notebook

I guess now, I will have to add this song and video to the list for obvious reasons.  It expresses so many of the emotions I feel about Kagan.  The aspirations for his future after cancer....  If you haven't seen and want to have a good little tearful episode - here is the video and words.  It is beautiful!
  

Skin by Rascal Flatts

Skin Video

Sara Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well, since the day that she fell
And the bruise it just won't go away

So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
And flips through an old magazine
Till the nurse with the smile stands at the door
And says, ?Will you please come with me??

Sara Beth is scared to death
?Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white, something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you

Six chances in ten, it won't come back again
With the therapy we're gonna try
It's just been approved, it's the strongest there is
And I think we caught it in time
And Sara Beth closes her eyes

And she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And a soft wind is blowing her hair

Sara Beth is scared to death
As she sits holding her mom
Cause it would be a mistake for someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom

For just this morning, right there on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
And she cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny
And Sara Beth closes her eyes

And she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love was holding her close
And a soft wind is blowing her hair

It's quarter to seven, that boy's at the door
And her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap
They all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had been
Softly she touches just skin

And they go dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first true love is holding her close
And for a moment she isn't scared

The Road Home

 “Home is people. Not a place. If you go back there after the people are gone, then all you can see is what is not there any more.”
― Robin Hobb

When I go home to Texas, I always take tons of photos.  I want to capture the memories on film so that I can look back at them forever to remember things that I never want to forget.  

I was browsing through photos when I ran across this photo.

This above is my mom's house from when she as a child.  

She tells of so many wonderful memories of her childhood.  As the daughter of parents who picked cotton for a living or sold eggs from their chickens to buy necessities she never had an excess of material things. The house she lived in, the things she had or the things she did not have never seemed to matter as she got older.  In all honesty, it is the lack of these things that probably make her the woman she is today - giving, supportive, loving and caring.

When I look at this picture of that old house,  it makes me a little sad.   The windows are broken, the roof has collapsed in and it does not even have the dignity of a front door any longer.  As a house, it has lost every characteristic of being safe, warm and inviting like it once was.  As a home though, I am sure that if she was standing in the living room today the feelings of love, the remembrances of sorrow and the memories of fun would give those sticks and stones a feeling of safety and comfort.   There would not be a mansion that could compare  if it was graded on the sweet recollections that are held within those collapsing walls.

This is a photo of my parent's backyard.  Look at the colors, the beauty and oh the memories that  took place in that backyard when I was a kid.   It is full of life.  Those grounds hosted hours full of countless good times.  Looking over this landscape is where the most important of conversations took place in my house.  It is where tears have been shed, memories have been made and love has been abundantly shared.

The beauty of that haven is merely a small glimpse of that beauty created in my parent's home.

Knowing that time passes and seasons come I fear what could be waiting for me when I pass by in years to come.  Because one day, I too could drive down this road in front of my parent's house and find that the walls no longer stand.

Yet, due to all the love shared, all the warmth wrapped around me, and the safety provided in that house I know I will always have a foundation of my home that will with stand the test of all of time.

Chemo Isn't Cheap!

I am here perched on my soap box today regarding something very near and dear to me - my pocketbook!   While money is not everything it is definitely something that makes life a lot easier to maneuver through with it.

And since medical bills are something that are consuming our savings I thought it was worth a few minutes of ranting!

My mail box is flooded every day with medical bills.  There are bills from the hospitals, the pathologist, the radiologist, the oncologist and any other "ist" that you can think of.   They have added me to their mailing list and unfortunately there is no "do not contact me list" for this sort of thing.

We are very fortunate to have wonderful medical insurance.   Even though it takes a few phone calls to get things right here and there, I could not be more pleased with our Aetna insurance.  Kaleb's company offers a range of plans and we have always picked the top tier one and thank goodness that we have.  It has been it worth every penny.

My question is what in the world do people who do not have any health insurance or do not have the type of plans that we are fortunate to have do?   Well, I know but that is not the point I am attempting to make here.  Remember, I use to manage a bankruptcy law firm so I have heard it all.

Above is a photo of of my medical bill binder (3" binder) full with medical bills for Kagan since May of this year alone!   Along side the binder is a mail box several inches think that house the un-filed medical bills that have come in within the last few weeks.   ( I often get enough mail that that mailman will leave me a nice box to carry it to the house! LOL)

The picture to right side is ONE hospital stay for CHEMOTHERAPY and the cost is $83, 224.61.  This amount did not even include the cost of the injected chemo drugs because that was on an additional bill. One cat scan was over $12,000!

I am sure that if any of you have had any severe medical issues you have binders just like mine.  We are not alone in the rising cost of medical cost. 

The part that frustrates me though is that because I have insurance these amounts are not what I pay.  I don't even pay a fraction of what is actually billed and neither does my insurance company.  Actually, I would dare to bet that NO ONE pays what is actually charged. (Bringing me back to the thoughts of medicaid, bankruptcy and just the complete ignoring of the love letters of many medical professionals!)

Why do the hospitals, doctors and so forth have to price things at such outrageous prices.  In  my opinion this is just price gouging at it's worst.   Wouldn't it be more simple to just have a STANDARD cost of ALL medical services. 

I do think that medical providers should get paid top notch.  They are worth every cent they get.  They study very hard and put in endless hours to save lives and care for people. I applaud their dedication to their profession. They have saved my son's life  and I want them to be rewarded fairly.   I am not about taking money out their pocket at all.  I just think we should eliminate the "Wal-Mart Rollback Pricing" method that they are forced to use when billing individuals without insurance and with insurance. 

And by the way, out of that one $83K we were only responsible for about $5000 of it.

Come to think of it now -  I bet it was the loyal member club discount rate that we got.   Whew..Sure am glad that I signed up for that loyalty card program.   It is obviously even more beneficial than my CVS card.  Wait.....I do think I forgot to check the box that said they could share my address and information with other companies.  Dang it.... that must be why I get so much mail!


Seriously, can Americans not figure out a non-political solution?   What do you think?

The right way to reign in healthcare costs is not by applying more government and more controls and making it more like the post office, it's by making it more like a consumer-driven market.
Mitt Romney

Writing....

 
It has always been a dream of mine to be a writer.

I wrote for both my junior high and high school papers.  My very first published article was about Greg Louganis hitting his head on the diving board during the Olympics in 1988.  That is a long time ago. I later studied Personal Communications in college because I still loved the idea of a platform that this degree allowed me.

People encouraged me to write but I never gave it all the effort I had.  I was too worried with the lack of ability and never really thought about what ability that I did have.  Then I looked at google and saw that 130 million books have been published.  It gave me hope.

At this point, I am not pursing writing a book.  It is just not the time for that now.

I am however going to quit selling myself short.  I have experience already that qualifies me to know that I have what it takes to be successful.  In various aspects of my career and volunteering I have already done the work and taken no credit.

• I have ghost written books
• I have created powerfully successful and profitable marketing sequences
• I have written copy for a variety of press releases & websites
• I have written blog after blog
• I have written and created training manuals
• I have produced a wide variety of short stories, articles and bios in numerous arenas of my life.

I am not saying that I am as talented as anyone else. However, I am beginning to let myself trust that I am talented enough to work at what I love doing.  I owe that to myself.

This year alone I have seen three different people that I know publish their first books.  Seeing them achieve this goal made it more concrete to me that I can dream to do the same.

Until then, here are the links to a few new authors that I think that you are really going to enjoy reading their debut books.  They all fit in my life in unique ways and I am super proud of each of them and their accomplishments.

Click the title to see the books on Amazon and to order your copy now!

Mike Clifton (He writes under his full name - Michael Scott Clifton) is my old basketball coach, science teacher, Sunday School teacher  and who employed me for most of my middle school years as his kids babysitter.    My mom sent me a signed copy and it was a great read! 

  The Treasure Hunt Club

 

My first childhood best friend, Amy (She writes under Natasha Osteen), has written a new book also.  I have not seen Amy in many years but through our contact I know that she is just as charming as ever.  As my pastor's daughter and good friend we spent many hours together as young kids.  Her first book is one that I am anxiously awaiting reading.  (Available October 26, 2012)

So the Sign Said

Lastly, my sweet girlfriend and our youth minister's wife has her new book coming out in the Spring of 2013.   I have read many parts of the manuscript and it is a wonderful book that all mothers should read and then make their kids read!   I definitely believe there will be many teenage bible studies focused around her new debut book.     My copy is already ordered!

The Cinderella Rule

 Let me know what you think of their books when you read them!!!

Dreaming Until It Becomes A Reality

I most recently worked for one of the most entrepreneurial men that you will ever meet.  Seriously, he could hear an idea of what McDonald's was doing and convert the idea into the McNugget of the legal world in minutes.   He was a pure genius as a visionary! 

My greatest strength was helping his visions on a scrap piece of paper or hotel notepad come to reality.   Obviously, they were his ideas and his money fronting the adventure so I had to cater to his wishes and wants but he gave me such leeway with creativity during these times.  This was the part of my job that got me fired up and excited to see what he would come up with next.

Several times a year he would go to conferences and I could not wait to get the email or have the mini-planning meeting to see what the next project would be.  I thrived and was delighted in the feel of being able to create his dream from one small piece of paper.  I loved helping him create himself into a larger that life character. 

My job was intoxicating at times. 
 

When Kagan got diagnosed with cancer, we decided that it was best that I not return to work.  At this point in time, I needed to be a mom at home more than work a job.   It was a very difficult decision but it was the right one. 

Now, as we grow closer to the days when life will return to normal I am considering what I want to do when I return to the workforce.   Then it really hit me!  I don't want to return to the same kind of workforce. 

I want to do what I love everyday so that I get that intoxicated feeling.  I want to drown in the feeling of accomplishment of turning an idea into a reality. 

I want what I had convinced myself I was not worth having on my own.   

I got a call regarding some possibilities that might allow me to stay at home and work from home with the flexibility that I want.  I would get to write, which has always been a dream of mine.   I would also get to incorporate my skill sets to help others have a voice. I would get to put the Project Management and Life Coach skills I have into play full time.   

There is still time that must pass and priorities that need to get sorted out before my dream is a reality.  However,  this is where my today's quote comes in.   I am hoping that you will help me by reading the blog...commenting on the blog and being a part of my little online world.  It is BIG  thing that will help me achieve the dream I want. 

I am asking YOU if you will HELP?